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A Guide To Being Single During The Holidays

N.B. This is from a straight woman’s POV, before we delve in.

Single gals get a bad rep for most of the year as it is, but around Christmas it heightens to whole new levels. I guess we’ve got the media to thank for that. Even in the film ‘How to Be Single,’ they all end up in couples and spend the whole film being sufficiently shit at being single. Around Christmas, “poor Linda, she’s probably eating her entire advent calendar at home alone right now” can be heard at every festive dinner party up and down the country, as the coupled-up sip their homemade mulled wine and look smug.  Here’s how to cope with being single whilst your grandparents scream “have you met a nice fellow yet? Your clocks ticking” across the kitchen table.

Make people really uncomfortable

A fun game I like to play, when the inevitable question pops up as you sip on eggnog, is to make the perpetrator very, very uncomfortable.  You can go several routes here: you could tell them that their inquiry is heteronormative and you find their assumption insulting, not to mention ignorant (PREACH). Or, you could be honest to the point of over sharing- “you see, Janet, I just have an annoying habit of fucking up every relationship I have due to my insatiable appetite for self-destruction”. Your third option is to just start crying uncontrollably until they leave you alone. All work a treat. Tried and tested!

Invent a fake significant other

I don’t particularly like doing this one, but if you really can’t face explaining to Aunt Doris that Bobby left you for another woman, twenty years your senior, on the night of your fifth anniversary, then I don’t blame you. Tell them you’re dating a marine, or a refugee aid worker, or an on-call surgeon. Hence, why they can’t be by your side tonight, spoon feeding you pigs in blankets. A little white lie is okay in the name of being able to raid the Xmas buffet in peace.

Avoid small talk at all costs

The single versus relationship question usually only comes about whilst two adults are partaking in some painful small talk, trying to not have an aneurism from all the flashing Christmas lights. So, in order to avoid such a situation, just stick to traditionally ‘inappropriate’ questions. “So Gran, explain again why you voted for the Tories despite their insistence to shit on everything you’ve worked for all your life?”, or “Dave, you seem like the kinda man who voted Brexit – one shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, I know, but your shrine to Farage in the bathroom was a bit of a give-away”. So on and so forth.

Enjoy it and tell everyone why being single is GREAT

By now, you’ve surely come to terms with being single, and are hopefully on the road to loving every moment of it. Being single can offer a plethora of brilliant experiences and pros: you can eat cheesecake in bed without sharing, you don’t have to clean up someone else’s pubic hair from the sink, the toilet seat can remain firmly down. You could treat your local nightclub like an all-you-can-eat dick buffet, or you could take a pledge of celibacy and rediscover yourself. The possibilities are endless.

Tell anyone who asks that “thank you very much, but I’m quite happy single. Gosh, I can’t even imagine what it’s like to wake up to the same smelly armpit in my face every morning. How do you cope?!”

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

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