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1   1964

You Versus December

December is the best month of the year; when your liver takes an absolute beating and you decide the office party is the perfect time to show everyone the rash on your chest. No? Just me? Great. December is a month that separates the children from the adults. It will leave you exhausted, broke and slightly unsure if you can make it to January. But don’t stress babes, I am a seasoned pro at getting through the month still employed and with a functioning liver. Take these twelve tips to get through the month 

Day nurse is your greatest ally: Yes, this is meant for cold and flu type symptoms. But it’ll keep you sane whilst you continue through the excessive festivities. Trust me, you’ll feel like a young adult once again.  

 Just because it’s free doesn’t mean it’s fab: Nothing makes my fanny tingle more than a free beverage. My eyes light up and I begin to shake uncontrollably. I’m like a chihuahua on heat. However, try to remember that you have a whole month of drinking, and taking every wine that’s passed your way will eventuate in you waking up in zone 4.  

Eat before every night out: Yes, this is such a parent ‘thing’ to say, before you’d skulled tequila on a Tuesday. But we’re not 19 anymore, and recovering from a hangover now takes longer than recovery from day surgery.  

Get your ass to work, even on a hangover: if you don’t turn up to work in December, everyone knows it was the Pinot Grigio, not “food poisoning”.  

Embrace those winter one-night stands: I embrace one night stands all year round, but having them in December just feels more festive. Plus, sometimes it’s nice to wake up next to someone who can describe to you in excessive detail about what you did last night.  Keeps ya grounded. 

Hydration is key: Winter is harsh, and your skin is probably starting to resemble an older ladies knee. Keep the water intake up so that you make it to summer with all you skin still intact.  

 Embrace Christmas dressing: ’cause it’s fun and a good conversation starter when out partying. I am always more attracted to a lady that talks and dresses in puns and riddles. (or I am so drunk I think it’s a riddle when she’s simply telling me I’m sitting on her coat).

 Keep it at some kind of professional level: Sure, let your hair down at the Christmas office party. But don’t forget that these are still your work colleagues, and they’ll remember everything you say/do/touch. Take it from someone who thought showing nudes to their colleagues was a fab move.  

 Don’t flake out on plans: You are exhausted, the thought of another glass of wine is giving you a severe chest pain. However, you don’t want to be the person who sulks home and cancels plans. Suck it up and meet all your calendar invites, you owe it to yourself and to Christmas season.  

Take time for family: Spending time with your family during the festive season can be anything from painful to delightful. But they are your family and they will have the food/wine/gifts. I’d recommend that you be selective about when and where you see them.  For example, at the end of the month when you’re broke and need feeding. 

Instagram when drunk, nope no:  Look I get it, in the moment it really does feel like a great photo/video to upload. But some things need to stay in that toilet cubicle, not amongst your 500+ followers.  

It’s never a good idea to text/call/visit your exes: I have a deep passion for texting and calling exes. Just don’t do it, your sober self will be annoyed, and your ex will continue to see you as a crazy lesbian who needs to get a reality check.  

So please, let’s all join together and chant the following, “ we swear we will not end up in zone 5 wearing no bra”. In summary, just keep your shit together enough to get through to New Years Day. I wish you all luck, my spirit will be with you, and/or I will be there in person falling on you whilst “flirting”.  

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