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Ask A Sexpert: An Intro To Kink

*Editor’s Note: Oh hi there, welcome to our brand new monthly column from sexpert Lacey, who will be answering all those questions you’ve always wanted to ask but didn’t know how. Keep an eye on our Insta stories for your chance to have your question as the theme for February.

Art by @exoctic.cancer

Are you kinky? Are you curious? Do you find yourself in the throes of passion wishing your partner would wrap their hand around your throat? Do you get off on the idea of your partner on their knees begging, pleading for your affection? Do you just want to be blind folded, gagged and bound, losing all of your autonomy? You might be a baby fetishist. If so, this is the column for you.

Over the next few months I’m going to map out fetish 101, a beginner’s guide to getting kinky safely and respectfully using my own tales of woe to guide you on your journey to kinky enlightenment.

I’ve dated many a person who said they were into kink, they lied a lot, some were curious and happy to be taught, others thought they knew what they were doing and were a danger to society (more on that later). What I’ve realized over the last ten years is that being into fetish and dating isn’t easy. From personal experience, when you tell people you’re into kink one of three things happen…

  1. They nod politely, waiting for a suitable time to run a mile. 
  2. They say they’re into and curious about kink too, which usually just means they own some fluffy pink handcuffs and a blindfold.
  3. They are genuinely into and experienced in kink.

Needless to say, the latter is not the majority. There’s nothing wrong with being curious, I encourage curiosity and sexual exploration, but you have to be honest about your level of experience from the start. It’s better for everyone.

So, let’s start our fetish journey with the absolute basics which all boil down to one thing; Communication.

Communication. Before, During & After Any Sexual Activity. 

Sit down with your partner and talk to them about your desires and how you want to explore them. For a full kink scene, you MUST discuss how the scene will play out, what you are both hoping to get out of the scene, when it will begin and end as well as what toys and activities will be involved. This is your chance to consent.

Talk during the scene, press pause, check-in with each other. Do you like what’s happening? Vocalise that. Not hitting the right spot? Don’t be afraid to be direct. Be confident and assertive over your body. You deserve every orgasm possible. 

Have a conversation when you’re done. What did you like? What didn’t you like? What did your partner like? Was there anything that you weren’t comfortable with? Don’t forget to check in with yourself. How do you feel? How did you feel during the scene? Do you feel content within yourself? Would you want to do it again? Communication is everything. 

Consent. Consent. Consent!

It is a popular misconception that a Submissive has no control over a scene, that they are there purely to do what the Dominant tells them to or to take a beating. When in reality, it is the Submissive who is in control of the whole scene. It is their body that they are giving up, it is their voice that can stop the scene with a single word and they are the ones that have given consent. During your pre-scene planning discuss what you’re ok with and what you aren’t, in explicit detail. Every act you want played out, any hard lines you have, discuss them all. This is you giving consent. 

Safe Words For When You’ve Reached Your Limit. 

Everyone has a limit. The idea of kink is that you are able to push and explore those boundaries in a safe and controlled environment without judgement. That’s what it is, safe and controlled. However, you don’t know your limits until you’re placed in a particular situation. You might think you’re a massive fan of spanking but when it comes down to it, a hard-wooden paddle across your butt is a lot more painful than you might expect. Be prepared for this and agree on some safe words with your partner. I’m personally a fan of the traffic light system. Green = go, yellow = slow down, red = stop. This gives you more control over the scene without having to stop it all together. Let’s be clear though, red means STOP

Sex is amazing, being sexually self-aware is life changing and exploring your inner most desires will help you in more ways than you realize. Right here are my top three tips to starting you on your journey of sexual enlightenment. Just remember to consent, don’t go further than you’re comfortable and start with the basics.

That, and have fun. Sex is meant to be enjoyed!  You deserve it. 

Follow Lacey HERE.

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