No, seriously. All of them.
Think of me as the Grinch of Valentine’s Day. Here to metaphorically stamp out any gushing lichés from your mushy, mushy heart. We’ve come to accept and use sayings on love that, when you give them literally more than 0.01 second’s thought, make no sense and are LIES. Lies, I tell you. Don’t believe me? I’ve made my (very convincing) case below…
1. “YOU’LL FIND SOMEONE”
You don’t ‘find’ someone, you find headphones. I can’t look under a pile of dirty underwear or retrace my steps for love.
2. “WHEN YOU STOP LOOKING, IT’LL HAPPEN”
Nope. Categorically false. If you stop looking for a new job or new home, does one magically appear in your lap? No. The dream partner isn’t going to knock on your door while you sit in your dressing gown watching true crime documentaries. It takes work, and hella looking.
3. “THE BEST RELATIONSHIPS COME FROM FRIENDSHIP”
Maybe they do, but if I shagged all my mates trying to find out I’d not have any left. Also, if my best mate fancied me we wouldn’t be best mates.
4. “I’D FIND THEM IN EVERY LIFETIME”
Unlikely. Firstly, you’ve probably only got one life as science has yet to prove otherwise. Secondly, if you were reincarnated as a duck and they were a dog, it wouldn’t work. Thirdly, what if you were based in West London and they were in North East London in another lifetime? No amount of love is going to make that work.
5. “THEY’RE MY SOULMATE”
Can’t relate. Don’t have a soul.
6. “I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK”
What a ridiculous metaphor, you’ve never made that journey. “I love you to Oxford Street on the central line, at the weekend, and back” would mean a lot more.
7. “THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS”
The heart wants to pump blood around your body, not to drunk text Brad from Chingford.
8. “ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER”
Thomas Haynes Bayly coined this phrase before they had phones, and probably about some fair maiden who he couldn’t see due to being at war (note: I don’t know if this is true, but I have a history degree so just believe me okay). He probably didn’t write it about your girlfriend going on holiday for 10 days to Spain where you WhatsApp call every other day.
9. “YOU CAN’T BUY LOVE”
This one’s true. But it wouldn’t hurt, and I’d definitely look at you more fondly if you transferred me my rent money (ask me for my PayPal please,
wink wink nudge nudge).
10. “LOVE IS A DRUG”
No, cocaine is a drug. The buzz and withdrawals are not comparable (not that I’d know, mum).
SORRY NOT SORRY.
Disagree with me? Hit me up on Twitter and tell me why.