Hey Kinksters and welcome back to Kink 101. I’m Lacey-Jade Christie and I am so honoured to be your kinky Agony Aunt! This month the theme is submission, so put down your whips and paddles, settle in and get ready to learn a few things.
Dominance and Submission is my go-to kink. I am a sub to my core and, while I was initially a little embarrassed about that as it’s not generally what people would think of me when they first see me, I now wear my sub badge with pride. What is it? Why am I into it? What do you get out of it? All shall be revealed.
Let’s start with the basics; D/S relationships are more about power than a psychical Bondage and Discipline relationship (which is sensation based). So, in my experience, the people who are into D/S want to explore or shift the power dynamics in their life (even if just for the night), although Dom/Sub and Bondage do blur into each other from time to time. That’s what I love about it. I am in control of every aspect of my life, I have a high-stress job and sometimes it’s just nice to not have to think. It’s not just nice, it’s hot! But there’s a lot to it.
What should you start out with?
My journey into kink started one night when I went to a party at a fetish club with a friend of mine where she tied me to a wooden cross and flogged my back and the rest is history. But not everyone has that option so I would begin with some research, don’t just jump onto Fetlife and meet up with the first Dom you meet. Read some articles online, talk to people in chat rooms, go to beginner events (if you Google fetish events in your local area you’d be surprised at what will pop up). Just remember to take it slow. No experienced Dom will ask you to jump head first, it’s not safe and it doesn’t build that trusting relationship.
How do I be submissive and give up control but also feel safe? This idea turns me on but in practice, I’m not sure.
This is SO important and I should’ve said this from the start. D/S is about power play but even though it might not seem like it, the Sub is ALWAYS in charge. Consent, safe words and pre-scene briefings are paramount in making sure that a) both parties are aware of the goals and limitations of the scene and b) the sub feels safe enough to let go and get lost in the scene. This is called the ‘sub space’ and is the whole reason that I LOVE BDSM. I am able to truly let go, not think and have my Dom guide me through prearranged and consented experiences.
Sub space is so hard to describe, it’s different for everyone but it’s a state of mind that usually brings a sense of euphoria and deliciousness of dizzying heights. It’s caused by the release of the chemicals epinephrine, endorphins and enkephalins which is also why some Subs have a higher pain threshold. The thing about being in the sub space though is that you can get lost in it. Your mind becomes so lost in this feeling of utter bliss that you are not able to communicate or pull yourself out of it. This is why you need an experienced Dom to guide you, someone who can read your cues and their own and keep you safe as you explore together. This is the key to feeling safe as a Sub.
It’s also worth noting that the Sub is 100% in charge of the scene. Limitations and goals must be discussed prior to the scene commencing and once it has commenced, the utter of a single safe-word will end the scene. This is what I mean when I say the Sub is in control.
If I want to release my inner Dom where do I find people that are into that and would want to be my playmate?
After you’ve done your online research go to beginner events. There you’ll be able to watch, find new friends and get some lessons, there are plenty of clubs and classes that you can go to learn and explore. Being a Dom is very different from being a Sub in that you need someone to teach you what to do. You need a Mentor, someone who can guide you through how to take care of yourself and your Sub, so attending these events will help you find that person to take you under their wing. Do not try to be a Dom without proper tutelage.
Can you be both a Dom and a Sub?
You sure can! Being both a Dom and a Sub is called a Switch. This might mean that you like to be Dom or Sub on different days or with different partners but you are definitely not alone in liking to play in both roles.
Can I be a feminist and still be into being submissive to men in the bedroom?
ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY! Yes! To me, feminism is about having the freedom to be who you are without judgement, having autonomy over your body and getting your orgasms however you want. I understand where you’re coming from because I have asked myself the same thing “am I a feminist if I am handing my power to a man willingly?”. Yes, yes you are. You are taking control of your sexual pleasure and owning it. What could be more feminist than that?
That’s Kink 101 for another month! Thank you for sending in your questions and I hope I’ve helped you on your kink journey! Always remember that consent is paramount.
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Watch out for our Insta stories where you can submit your questions for the next theme.