Summer in the UK can be a savage lady. She’s the type of human who’d bring a suitcase onto the Central line in peak summer commuting. She’s the woman we all hate but need to love (because you would never admit to not being a devotee of summer).
So, here we are, deep into chub rub and tailoring all our jeans into shorts. As a pale-skinned, winter-body enthusiast, I will let you in on some summer tips. Each tip has allowed me to last the summer without losing all my dignity whilst I cut all my shirts into midriff halter tops.
Pick your travel journey carefully
I do not give a care in the world if Citymapper decides that the Central line is the quickest route. I will sell my mother and my OC collector’s edition DVDs to stay as far away from the Central line as possible. Do what I do: add an extra 15 minutes to your commute so you can enjoy air-con and seating. Let me dazzle you with the joys of the Overground, Jubilee and Victoria lines. These joyous train lines that will keep your makeup still and your hair dry.
Know your closest park/lido
London can offer a lot in summer, but what is most appreciated for rent-payers who cannot afford a living room and or backyard, are the abundance of parks and swimming pools. The offerings in London are greater than those of Love Island. You have BBQs, swimming areas, paddle boating and peacocks. As an East London dweller, I often find myself sitting in London fields with smoke in my eyes and not a care in the world.
Who doesn’t enjoy drinking overly warm cider whilst squinting off into the distance, attempting to work out if your one-night stand is two BBQs away?
Bulk buy air-con type devices
London is extremely land locked. We do not have the ocean anywhere close. You will feel like your skin is shrivelling up into tiny balls of dirt and flakes. You need to locate your nearest high street and buy the following: a large, cheap electrical fan, a hand-held fan, pieces of paper that can act as a fan when real fan is lost down tube crack. Trust me, I would marry my fan if Theresa May gave me the right.
If you can find a reasonably safe-ish rooftop during summer, I advise you to stay there and begin a self-sufficient squat. This will be your haven in summer. You will use it to tan, entertain, sleep and even paddle.
Enjoy summer, and please put those scissors down- you will need your jeans when winter comes.
*Argos has a sale on inflatable swimming pools. Who does not like a rooftop pool? If you cannot locate a BYO rooftop, then find your nearest bar that serves alcohol and is flexible on bikinis as shirts. You will never leave and become first name basis with all the staff.