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Ask A Sexpert: Bondage

By @cecile_hoodie

Hey FGRLS CLUB kinksters, welcome to your first lesson!

Thank you so much to everyone who sent in questions. Most of you will have seen on the FGRLS CLUB Insta stories that February’s theme is Bondage. So let’s get into it.

Bondage – the B in BDSM. In its most basic form, bondage is a type of sex play where one person restrains another person for sexual pleasure. People enjoy bondage for all sorts of different reasons. Whether it’s because they want to please their partner or they like the idea of having control taken away from them (with consent), bondage is a very popular and the most socially accepted form of Kink.

“Where would you start?”

I would start with some research. The idea of kink intrigues a lot of people but actually participating in a scene is a different kettle of fish. There are some great resources out there for people who are wanting to explore their kinky side. My favorite ethically produced porn site is CrashPadSeries.com  where you can find some great resources while supporting the porn artists at the same time.

Watch some porn, read some blogs, there are plenty of people out there who are as open and honest about their kinks as I am and they are amazing. My one don’t is; please don’t watch mainstream porn sites for fetish inspiration. The videos that these sites produce are exaggerated, unrealistic and quite often, dangerous. Most of the time they also lack the respect and trusting relationship that you find between two playmates. So don’t waste your time.

“How can I introduce this to my partner?”

I’m quite open with potential romantic partners about my needs in the bedroom. I know what I like and there’s no point trying to beat around the bush but I completely understand why you might be hesitant or unsure as to how to bring the topic up, especially if you’re a newbie in the kink world.

My top tip is to just be open and honest, but pick your timing. My favorite time to bring up topics like this is just after sex. The moment when you’re lying in each other’s arms is a time where you’re both connected physically and emotionally and it is a safe space. Asking a broad topic like “Do you have any fantasies?” or “Is there anything you’ve always wanted to try in the bedroom?” is a great way to start the conversation because I guarantee your partner will ask you in return, giving you the perfect segue. Then, just be honest, “I’ve always wanted to be blindfolded.” etc. If they’re not into it, then they’re not into it, but at least you tried.

If that fails you can always point out that the delayed gratification that comes from bondage can lead to more powerful orgasms… who doesn’t want that?!

“What should I buy to get going with?”

Bondage is amazing when you get into it. There are so many bits and pieces that you can stock your goody draw with. Restraints, ropes, gags, even sex cages and sex furniture (something for later on perhaps). I find most people start with a) fluffy handcuffs or b) a blindfold. Both of these are great options because they’re accepted, somewhat anecdotally, in most bedrooms. They can be bought as gifts or gags but then are a great gateway to exploration. They’re also not too full on for either party.

My go-to gift for beginners is silk ties. I prefer them over handcuffs because they’re easier on the wrists and easy to undo if you are restrained and start to freak out (which is completely normal). I would also invest in a toy like a bullet vibrator or a tickler to add an extra sensory layer. Restraining your partner with silk ties and teasing them from head to toe is a great way to get going. Just remember to take it slow and talk to your playmate constantly – communication is the key to all of this.

“How do you keep Bondage safe?”

This is VITAL, so pay attention!

The thing about bondage is that you are giving your control to another person, or taking another person’s control from them. To be successful this requires a very special and trusting relationship. You need to communicate clearly and effectively and, as always, there must be consent.  You don’t have to have known your potential playmate for years to have the type of trust that’s necessary, but you do need to be able to talk to them openly. Trust is everything.

My number one rule is CONSENT! Say it with me! CONSENT! Consent is absolutely compulsory. You could be forgiven for thinking that a submissive person is not in control of their body and has no say in what is happening, but you would be mistaken. Before any scene or any kind of play there has to be a discussion between the people involved which includes:

  • What is going to happen during the scene.
  • What toys may or may not be used.
  • Any hard lines (absolute no go zones).
  • Safe words.

If it hasn’t been discussed then it doesn’t happen. At all. Keep it safe and keep it consensual.

Check out my first article for Kink 101 for some advice on Safe Words.

Other than that, my advice is to take it slowly. Don’t expect to jump straight into a full scene with a complete noob. Just enjoy being tied up and teased (or whatever you’re into) and have fun!

Happy kinking!

 

Follow Lacey-Jade Christie HERE.

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